Everybody shut up! Everybody listen up! Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey If you can't write in the proper way If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online Okay, now here's the deal I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy's your mission And that's why I think it's a Good time, To learn some grammar Now did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It's "less" or it's "fewer" Like people who were Never raised in a sewer I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don't be a moron You better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you're no clown Say you got an "i," "t" Followed by apostrophe, "s" Now what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case, As a possessive It's a contraction What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words, by the omission of a sound or letter Okay, now here's some notes Syntax you're always mangling No "x" in "espresso" Your participle's dangling But I don't want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind That "be," "see," "are," "you" (B-C-R-U) Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you're seven Or your name is Prince I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouthbreather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say "to whom" Don't ever say "to who" And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade, I hope you can tell If you're "doing good" or "doing well" Figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull About what's figurative and what's literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn't get out of bed (What?) That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid head I read your e-mail It's quite apparent Your grammar's errant You're incoherent Saw your blog post It's really fantastic That was sarcastic 'Cause you write like a spastic I hate these word crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you're a lost cause, Hey, hey, hey Go back to preschool Hey, hey, hey Get out of the gene pool Hey, hey hey Try your best to not drool Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey hey Hey, hey hey Go away!
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