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Lyrics:Headline News

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Lyrics:

Once, there was this kid who
Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint
And when he finally came back
He had cane marks all over his bottom
He said that it was from when
The warden whacked it so hard

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

(*whip* sound) Ahh

Once there was this girl who
Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion
And when she finally made it
She saw some other girl who was better (*ding* sound)
And so she hired some guy to
Club her in the kneecap

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
(*thwack* sound) Ahh
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

They got paid for their sound bites
And sold their TV movie rights

And then, there was this guy who
Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner
And when he finally came to
He found that Mr. Happy was missing
He couldn't quite explain it
It'd always just been there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)

Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)

(There were, there is)
(There were, there is)


Live performances can also include:
Once, there was this girl who
Rode around in limousines and didn't wear her fundies
And when she finally cracked up
She shaved all of the hair off of her head
We couldn't understand it
It'd always just been there
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm



Once, there was this girl who
Got herself a DUI and went away to prison
And when she finally came back
She spoke with Larry King on his talk show
Can someone tell me why we
Should give a crap about her
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm


Alternate Ending:
He couldn't quite explain why
Anybody should care...) 


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