Jillian was her name She was sweeter than aspartame Her kisses reconfigured my DNA And after that I never was the same And I loved her even more Than Marlon Brando loved souffle She was gorgeous, she was charming Yeah, she was perfect in every way Except she was always using the word "infer" When she obviously meant "imply" And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing But frankly, I can't imagine why And I told her, I said "Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey? No, I don't think we are! You're close! (Close!) But no cigar!" Then I met sweet young Janet Prettiest thing on the planet Had a body hotter than a habanjero She had lips like a ripe pomegranate And I was crazy like Manson about her She got me all choked up like Mama Cass She had a smile so incredibly radiant You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass I thought after all these years of searching around I'd found my soul mate finally But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy Of Joe Dirt on DVD Oh, no! I said "Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo? No I don't think we are! You're close! (Close!) Oh, so very close! (Close!) Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!) So close! But no cigar!" (Oh, yeah!) (Oh, no!) (Oh, yeah!) (Oh, no!) (Oh, yeah!) (Oh, no!) (ALL RIGHT!) [Hand claps, trumpet solo] Julie played water polo She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo And she was everything I've dreamed of She moved right up to #1 on my list And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire Bikini supermodel astrophysicist Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron Look like a big fat slobbering pig The only caveat is one of her earlobes Was just a little tiny bit too big I said "Hey! Are we doing government work here? No I don't think we are! You're close! (Close!) So very, very close! (Close!) Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!) So close! But no cigar!" Missed it by that much! (No cigar!) Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!) Really, really, really close! (No cigar!) But no cigar!
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